Certain people in the kink scene will try to fill your head with all kinds of stories about what you should and should not accept, especially if you like to bottom like me. They will jump into your life insisting they’re the authority on what your standards and boundaries should be. So from one spanko to another, I’m going to tell you what I believe.
You don’t have to accept disrespect, abuse, pushiness, lies, manipulation, shadiness, cheating, gaslighting, or aggression just because you’re open about this aspect of your sexuality. Being into spanking doesn’t make you a doormat.
You don't have to be quiet or polite about it when people do try to treat you like a doormat. You’re entitled to talk honestly about your experiences, especially if you’re looking to protect others. Using your voice is your birthright. It’s not slander if it’s true.
Being on a site like FetLife doesn’t signify that you’re offering up your body, mind, and soul as a free-for-all. You get to have feelings and create boundaries about what you want to experience. Other people don’t get to decide them for you. They’re not the highest authority in your life; YOU are.
Posting erotic pics or videos online doesn’t mean you want to play with every person who might see them, or that you want to know every detail about what they’d all like to do to your body. Enjoyment of self-expression doesn’t imply those things. You get to own your sexuality and have fun.
Strangers who want to play with you don’t get to rush you while you’re getting to know them. You get to vet them, ask questions, take your time, protect yourself, and truly enjoy the process. It will not harm them to wait until you’re comfortable. If they act like your pace is offensive, there is something wrong with them, not you.
A young man recently reached out online to let me know he disapproved of me speaking about my negative experiences in the kink scene.
“I have seen you call out men for unflattering sexual messages. I also get unflattering messages from men that are too forward. I have to admit, I would not feel safe meeting these people one on one, but I understand that I have posted sexual pictures online, and that elicits certain attention.”
I feel sorry for that young man. He apparently doesn’t believe his feelings matter as much as those of the men who are “too forward” and give off unsafe vibes. He thinks he has to accept boundary-crossers or not express boundaries at all. He thinks he needs to respond to the signals of fear his body is sending with “understanding” because he’s “elicited” the rude attention causing that fear. He thinks those unsafe men are incapable of not being shitty, so he should expect poor treatment and be quiet about it.
(Or, more accurately, he thinks I should do those things.)
He also let me know my rather public disdain for incels has raised his hackles.
He is false. None of us have to accept that shit. We don’t have to respond with love and acceptance to violent people who characterize themselves by their hate for us. We don’t have to embrace those who want to rape us and who celebrate when innocent people are murdered. We cannot fix violent, abusive, entitled men with our kindness, attention, or bodies. They are sick in the depths of their souls and must change themselves. To insist otherwise is pathological, for women are not emotional support animals.
The best spankos I know are chill and respectful of boundaries. They are playful, not sketchy. They understand the word “no” and would be horrified to think they had crossed anyone’s lines. They don’t feel entitled to control or manipulate people. They don’t mind when others take their time or ask them questions. They call out or disapprove of shitty behavior when they see it. They are transparent about their intentions and consistent in how they show up. They don’t inspire thoughts of “something seems off about this person” or feelings of “I feel unsafe and uncomfortable”.
In short, they’re actually fun to know and spend time with.
None of us have to accept less. Especially not because we like spanking.
-T