Not all kinky folk who spank have a desire to discipline, but many do, and those I’ve admired above the rest have all shared this opinion:
Anyone calling themselves a ‘disciplinarian’ in the BDSM realm needs to have their shit together in whatever capacity they wish to serve as an authority figure.
A considerable number of tops in the scene crave the attention, admiration, and sexual opportunity the label invites, but miss the fact that discipline is about far more than the physical act of smacking butts. Between consenting adults who take it seriously, it’s a highly emotional and psychological form of caretaking. Spankees who seek out disciplinarians desire guidance from those who are trustworthy and benevolent rather than selfish or performative. There’s little room for hypocrisy because obviously,
You can’t punish someone for speeding if your glove compartment is full of tickets.
You can’t punish them for lying if you lie.
You can’t punish them for procrastinating if your work ethic sucks.
You can’t punish them for being irresponsible with money if you’re 50k in debt.
You can’t punish them for using naughty language if you swear like a sailor.
And you DEFINITELY can’t punish them for disrespect if you behave like an asshole.
Technically, of course, you may. Anyone can spank for misbehavior and go on to commit similar sins. Scotland Yard isn’t likely to show up and set you straight with a good walloping. (Trust me on this, they’ve ignored my calls.)
But “do as I say, not as I do,” rarely garners respect in the long run. You can’t expect anyone in their right mind to genuinely submit, in effect trusting you with their well-being, if your words mean nothing.
Hablar es fácil.
Parlare non costa niente.
People around the world agree: Talk is CHEAP. This is true in all areas of life and BDSM is no exception.
“But the spankee’s goals aren’t my goals. I’m just helping them accomplish theirs. I’m simply holding them accountable by playing the role of enforcer.”
That’s all fine and dandy if it works for your situation. However, if you put yourself out there as someone who disciplines, you’re claiming to know what’s best for the person you’re seeking to influence. Your advice and admonishment had better hold water, lest your authoritah be called into question.
No one is perfect.
Life is messy and so are we. Everyone makes mistakes and encounters difficulty, regardless of how skilled or talented they are. That's how we grow. Perfection is a fool’s errand.
The big picture is the point. It’s about overall habits, morals, and ethics. It’s about consistently holding yourself accountable so you can hold others accountable in a way that makes sense. That requires integrity, effort, and other qualities that make the role of disciplinarian attractive in the first place.
Improving the Self via Disciplining Others
“Acting as a disciplinarian in a relationship always makes me a better person. It requires me to step up my game.”
I’ve heard this from a number of experienced spankers over the years. Through the process of serving as a loving guide to a submissive partner, they become more focused, more responsible, healthier, etc. because they understand that self-discipline is an inherent aspect of discipline as a whole.
I find this outlook respectable, sustainable, and sensical. It makes the arrangement nourishing for both parties and provides them an opportunity to grow together. Ideal in any long-term partnership, n'est-ce pas?
What say you, friends? Thoughts on this matter? Reach out and say AHOY like a high-seas pirate.