My spanko soul has been pondering implements of late.
“What’s there to ponder?” one might ask. “They’re just lifeless objects used for swatting butts.”
Oh, but they’re SO much more. Implements are a very personal thing for spankers and spankees alike. Each creates its own unique sensation and subsequent reaction, and the energy of the spanking often follows suit. Implements can also carry a particular ‘vibe’ that connects to some sort of setting, time period, relationship dynamic, memory, or fantasy in our minds. Seeing or holding one can inspire a range of emotions, from fear to excitement to fondness or even nostalgia. There’s nothing lifeless about our weapons of choice, for they are reflections of ourselves.
Good spanking implements strike (heh) a desirable balance between safe and effective. While our community relishes a handful of particular items traditionally used for corporal punishment, pretty much anything of a suitable size, shape, and material can become a spanky tool in the hands of a creative top. Innocuous household goods begin to take on dual purposes. Trips to the hardware store or Bed Bath & Beyond are akin to a day at Disneyland. “Ooh, I bet that’d sting…” Ideas abound.
"Look what I found, Daddy! Which color do you want?"
In this post, we’ll marinate on an array of conventional spanko swag, followed by a list of makeshift weapons my kinky friends have reportedly reached for in times of need.
The Classics
These are a few of our favorite things.
The hand
No, the human hand is not technically a ‘tool, utensil, or other piece of equipment’, but I’m putting it here at the top of the list as it seems to be the unanimous favorite. Skin-on-skin connection imbues hand spankings with a high degree of intimate closeness that I find both primal and insanely erotic. Like bare bottoms, however, hands get sore after a fair bit of slapping. While “this hurts me more than it does you” is a sweet sentiment and all, spankers seeking to teach a lesson tend to reach for something else once the warm-up is over, which brings us to...
The paddle
My personal favorite. Paddles have that Principal’s Office energy that makes you want to cry before the first swat’s even landed. None of the schools I attended did the corporal punishment thing because I’m a treehugging 80s child from San Francisco where we give smily or frowny faces instead of grades, but perhaps that’s why I adore them so. The only thing a paddle ever threatened me with was a good time.
The star of my personal collection. Isn't she beautiful?
They just provide such a thorough experience. Comprehensive. Mmf! Nothing can replace that feeling, for me. I’ve spoken with a couple spankers, however, who preferred not to use them. They were loyal to the domestic-discipline aesthetic and because paddles, generally speaking, aren’t naturally found lying around in most homes, to use one would feel contrived or void of authenticity. Spankos of this mindset might instead prefer...
The hairbrush
Hairbrushes are economical, available everywhere, easy to wield, and harmless in the eyes of outsiders. Vanilla guests won’t realize what that pretty tool next to the bathroom sink is used for in your house but YOU will. There’s a lovely charm and sense of comfort that accompanies this implement’s homely energy. Spankers in a mean mood also like to flip them over and swat with the bristled side when you’ve been extra naughty. Fucking bastards.
The bath brush (dun dun dunnn)
Bath brushes inspire fear like few implements can. Unlike hairbrushes, they have extra long handles, which gives the spanker additional leverage on the downswing, making blows land with an especially forceful THWACK. They hurt. Bruises for days. Take the extra step of wetting the spankee’s bare tush in the tub before the act and you’ll have them howling like a wolf at the moon.
The belt
Another traditional favorite found in pretty much every home. Belts have a stern, scary, masculine vibe that makes booty cheeks clench and quiver in anticipation. “Just wait until your father gets home.” Fuuuuck. Great for dynamics involving that nurturing parental energy we tend to adore. The sound of leather shooping through loops is certain to catch any spankee’s attention.
The wooden spoon
Serving as a counterpart to the belt, wooden spoons conjure strong mama vibes. A maternal figure wielding one is a coveted image in the minds of many receivers, though they’re equally threatening in any skilled spanker’s hand. Used well, they can deliver a plethora of sensations depending on the thickness and variety of the wood, from stingy to thuddy and everywhere in between.
Hey, a 7-pack! Noice. One for each day of the week.
The cane
Eek! Oh my Jesus. Canes can be a somewhat polarizing tool and for some spankees, a hard limit. Typically made from rattan, they are insidiously evil, creating little sound but surprisingly intense amounts of pain. The first time I got caned, I yelped and my jaw dropped on the first stroke. “Are you fucking serious?!” They originated as a British thing but are now used in BDSM to set bottoms ablaze all over the world. Nightmare fodder. They do leave pretty marks though. Yummy red and purple tiger stripes lined side by side. Gorgeous.
The ruler
A fun implement for education-themed sessions, rulers are great for spankers who like to play teacher. Though relatively light and whappy, they can be particularly effective on naughty students who skip their homework or slack off during lessons.
The carpet beater
These make me giggle. They come in all sorts of materials, have a cool woven design, cover a large surface area, and certainly do hurt but… are they not a tad ridiculous? So big and fwoofy as they smack pairs of buns! Without a 19th-century maid outfit and elegantly furnished Victorian mansion to spank in, what are we even doing with this thing?
The slipper
Another popular choice for domestic-discipline fans. A slipper’s flat sole can create a thick, firm wallop or a light, stingy slap. The little cave for your foot also makes a nice mitten for spanker hands, making it easy to wear and swing. I envision bedtime, bathrobes, and all manner of cozy fluffiness with this one.
The strap
Straps are a bit like belts but with a handle, making them easier to control. They’re often wider and thicker too, giving spankers more booty coverage for their buck. They make a nice, clean sound and can create lovely sensations to boot.
The switch
These long, thin branches pack a bite like the cane, though they tend to be more flexible. Ordering a naughty spankee to go outside and cut their own is a time-honored activity, but far more fun for the meanie on the other side of the equation.
The birch
Again, there’s an old-timey British energy here. Bloomers. Pantaloons. A no-nonsense thrashing from the governess. My word! The birch is a mood, with its scratchy little twigs that snag the skin. Their branches were traditionally made from (duh) birch wood, but any hearty wood that won’t immediately snap upon impact will do.
The tawse
This thick leather strap with the slit down the middle was formerly used in Scottish schools to smack the palms of misbehaving students. The BDSM realm has co-opted it for punishing posteriors as well. Never had one used on me, but I would imagine it hurts like a bitch.
The loopy Johnny
I’ve never been spanked with one of these either. They seem a tad rare, or maybe just rare in my zone, but some spankos apparently adore them because they make very little noise. Silent spankings, m’yesss, excellent... The loops that hang off the handle can make some interesting marks. Here’s someone’s DIY guide if you’d like to make your own.
The flogger
When I was in 4th grade, we had to put on a performance of HMS Pinafore and there’s some part that mentions the “merry cat o’ nine tails.” That was the day my lil’ 9-year-old spanko self found out what flogging was. The adults have us singing about beatings AGAIN?? Anyhoo, floggers with any number of tails hurt but can create a sensation similar to a hard massage when used nicely. Loud and dramatic and fun, for some.
The riding crop
Crops have that dark-dungeon-dominatrix feel and are excellent for making concentrated impact on smaller stretches of skin. They’re especially handy if you’re looking to sexily torture genitalia-focused targets like clitori, taints, and puckered backdoor balloon knots. (Yes, I went there and I will do it again.)
The whip
We have, by now, moved wholly into BDSM territory. (I wouldn’t really refer to it as ‘spanking’ at the point when whips are being used, but perhaps that’s splitting hairs.) They tend to be incredibly loud and require skill to handle safely, making for an impressive spectacle. The snaking marks they leave in their wake can be mesmerizing too.
Creative Alternatives
I asked my Fetlife friendaloos to share the weirdest thing they’ve ever spanked/gotten spanked with. Enlightening answers all around!
Fuckin’ TWIZZLERS
Yes, the licorice ropes. No less than four spanko friends reported having used them, even braiding several together to create martinets. This is a THING. An underground phenomenon yet to be discovered by the masses. Shall we make it a secret spanko code? “Care for a twizzle, my dear?”
The feet of a rubber chicken
“Please tell me it squeaked the whole time.” But nay, the scene was not as silly as I’d imagined. Upon viewing video documentation, it actually made a lot of sense. Maybe thuddy chicken feet are a way of the future.
An ironing board
Goddamn! (Apparently the spankee said the same at the time.)
A big-ass teddy bear
One of those huge ones from Costco. A tad difficult to swing, I’d have to assume.
A foam toy sword
Painful, but far friendlier than, say, that fucking katana from Kill Bill.
A shoe
Not a slipper, a SHOE. “Might not sound weird but swinging a size 19 is hard!” *gulp!*
A fry pan
Seems kinda dangerous, but I like the image. "She learned not to burn the bacon that day..."
A shoe horn
He said it snapped during use, too. “She paid the price later for breaking my toy.” SHE paid the price for YOU breaking YOUR toy on HER ass, hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?
A flexible curve
Had to look this one up. ‘Tis “a long strip fixed in position at a number of points whose tension creates a smooth curve passing through those points, for the purpose of transferring that curve to another material.” Sounds evil.
A TV remote
Had two friends report swatting with remotes, one of which broke. I’ve been spanked with one before. Kinda clunky. Not recommended.
The handle of a cat toy
Very appropriate choice if you’re acquainted with the troublemaker it was used on. (Bratty minx!)
A thick leather hotel ‘do not disturb’ sign
You have to wonder how many guests were indeed disturbed by the ensuing hullabaloo.
A junior cricket bat
Sounds about right.
A length of sea kelp
Environmentally friendly but yeowch!
A bamboo back scratcher
Bamboo anything = spankalicious
A perforated grill spatula
Sounds like my kind of BBQ.
The Bible (during roleplay with both giver and receiver in full reverend/libertine costume)
Call the jelly police and have them take me away. This one’s now on my bucket list.
A large pill bottle
Like spanking with a maraca, perhaps.
A reindeer tail decoration
To make sure that butt matches Rudolph’s nose.
An HK G3 clone
Friends don’t let friends spank with real guns, kids.
A slide rule, in honor of the famous National Lampoon photo
Pinkening the bums of errant coeds since 1975, at least.
A rolled-up stack of his university students’ lab reports
Someone douse me with ice water. That’s beyond hot.
A small cutting board
Paddle-ish, with a dash of culinary charm.
I find all this ingenuity delightful and inspiring. Good times were had. Well done, spankos!
We kinksters all deserve to amass the implement collection of our dreams, filling whole rooms with mean goodies meant for tanning hides. Have I missed anything, friends? Other ideas to recommend? What have you used to blister consenting booties in times past?
-T