The Hazel And Birch Paddle Review (My First Spanking in a Year!!)
CW: This post contains an eventual bruised-bare-booty pic. Protect your virgin eyes if you wish not to see.
Now that I’m finally vaccinated, playtime is possible once more. Can’t believe I survived a YEAR of spanko celibacy. (Eat a dick, Covid!)
I’m thrilled the painfully painless wait is now over because firstly, I was beyond squirrely, and secondly, I recently got a pair of brand-spanking-new (hurr hurr) toys in the mail and was itching to try them out. Meet my new beauties from HazelAndBirchDesign, an Etsy biz that creates ‘Hand-Crafted Spanking Paddles for Impact with Elegance’.
That’s Kaylee on the left, and Quinn on the right. Swoooooon!
This post is a product review of sorts, as well as a documentation of my first encounter with these scary new friends. Accompanying me on this journey was Dylan Paine, who I met at a spanking party last year and played with a couple times right before the virus hit. The phrase ‘Good, Giving, and Game’ was likely coined in his honor.
Dylan’s a hardwired switch with superb technique, making him an ideal partner in crime for this experience, as I was looking to write from the dual perspectives of giver and receiver in order to provide y’all with a comprehensive report.
I’ll be 100% honest about my impressions, but you should know I was immediately biased from the moment I removed my new tools from the box. This review will be more gush fest than critique. Ugh... I fucking love paddles so much.
Hazel and Birch are a couple of dedicated spankos based over in Tennessee. I came across them on FetLife months ago while drooling over pics of their gorgeous gear. They mainly sell leather straps and a variety of paddles carved from premium materials. Both of my new pieces are made from maple, which “provides more weight for size than other domestic hardwoods,” Birch has informed me.
The paddles I ordered are part of a product line Hazel refers to as “The Ladies.” Each design has been given a female name. So far there’s Kaylee, Elinor, Mary, Quinn, Harper, Eliza, Clara, and Anna—kinda like the Brady Bunch of Butt Blistering, no? You can order each with or without holes depending on how you feel about wind resistance, and request a uniform color or combination of two colors. My Kaylee came in ‘whitewashed schoolhouse red,’ while Quinn came in ‘antique turquoise over charcoal.’ These paddles are typically made to be 0.75” thick, but I requested maximum thud and they obliged, thickening both pieces to 0.8” for me. (I bet they would for you too if you behaved and asked nicely.)
Dreamy, ain’t she?
Here’s a tidbit more about The Ladies from Birch:
“Hazel created these distinctive designs based on her own preferences as a top, and each one developed a sort of personality and backstory as they emerged. Each of them represents a shape that we love and think is necessary for particular moments during a spanking. Because each one has a distinctive character, they all have proper names and particular styling. It also helps people find and identify with a shape that really calls to them, and then pair it with color and a level of distressing that helps them tell the story of their own unique piece. Additionally, the predetermined shapes make them easier to produce and customize with all of the necessary finishing touches.”
They also offer two additional product lines known as the Heritage Collection and Obedience Collection, which are designed to reflect different but equally elegant styles. I encourage you to check this all out at their shop. You can reach out to Birch here on FetLife too, if you happen to have an account.
Hazel and Birch are quick to respond and lovely to chat with. They also send out each order in discreet packaging that doesn’t scream, “HEY EVERYONE, THERE ARE KINKY SEX WEAPONS IN HERE!” My favorite thing about their brand, however, might have to be the delightful copywriting.
“We are so happy that other people share our love of these pieces as home and lifestyle (and not just Lifestyle) items that can be integrated into your home and bedroom with grace, fun and whimsy. I often think that the most compelling part about a beautiful, classic paddle is that it represents a plan, almost like a bet against one’s good behavior, that no one Wants to use, but when it’s needed, it’s right there, hanging in the pantry. We want to be the paddle in the pantry nestled in the charming, breezy, boho digs of the chronically and incurably incorrigible.”
Spoken like a true-blue fetishist. Do those words not tickle your spanko soul?
Strike a pose, Kaylee, you shameless hot mess.
Ahem. Right. So. Moving right along to…
The Spankening: Part 1
“Those toys look mean and terrifying! Did you survive, T?!”
TL;DR, I did and it was magical. The long version is this:
While nothing in the universe could ever compare to the divine experience of playing with another spanko, I was pretty fucking nervous leading up to this encounter. I hadn’t been spanked in a solid year and it’d been far longer since I’d spanked anyone else in a serious way. What if, for some mysterious reason, the spanko fairy dust in my DNA had evaporated and I didn’t end up enjoying it? What if I’d lost my pain tolerance? What if I did a shitty job topping? On and on my brain went, poking me with silly worries to psych me out.
The bigger issue, in addition to all this, is that I find my play partner intimidating. It’s not because of anything he does on purpose. On the contrary, Dylan’s always been kind and respectful. I just find him insanely attractive and it throws me off. He’s tall, fit, and has these lucid, curious, penetrating green eyes that make me uncharacteristically self-conscious. There’s something very masculine yet gentle and affectionate about his energy and, yeah… you get the idea. He’s sexy and it makes me shy. Can’t handle it.
I think on some level he knows I feel this way about him, so he does his best to be accommodating.
“Anything I can do to make you comfortable, I will.”
Quite the gentleman, despite having his own nervousness to deal with after I sent him this:
I have tiny hands, yes, but it’s still muy grande.
I arrived at his place at around 7 and my anxiety leveled out a bit while we made small talk. It was nice to see him smiling and doing well after the long pandemic nightmare. We sat on his sofa sipping drinks once we’d laid our implements out on his coffee table, including a handful of items from his personal collection. Finally, his eyes narrowed and he cut to the chase, dodging my attempts to put off the inevitable.
“Do you want to spank me?”
“I’m going to spank you,” I affirmed, feeling a smile grow across my lips.
We’d previously decided he would top second because I get super subspacey and it takes me a long time to come down from it. I had him stand, took off his pants, and bent him over my lap. Starting with my hand, I spanked over his underwear for a few minutes before pulling them down to bare his adorable heinie.
“We need to talk about your road rage, young man.”
The week before our playdate, he’d confessed to flipping the bird on several recent occasions while driving. I find that heinous and uncouth, but he didn’t seem to see it as a big deal.
“It’s not like I’m flashing middle fingers for no reason. Those people need to drive better.”
I smacked his butt and the backs of his thighs, expressing my disagreement.
“If a handsome guy in a big truck flipped me off on the road, I’d fucking cry. That’d ruin my day, Dylan Paine.”
Smack smack smack smack smack!
Once his buns were pink and toasty warm, I asked him to hand me one of the paddles from the table. He passed me the Quinn, which Birch had alleged is actually the meanest piece he and Hazel make due to the focused concentration of the impact. It’s light and small, making it a handy OTK tool. I got started, moving around my canvas to provide full coverage, gradually swatting harder over time. Quinn’s size and shape make it good for accessing hidden and/or angled stretches of skin larger paddles can’t effectively reach.
“How does it feel?” I asked him.
“Stings! My ass is on fire.”
This was my first time to spank Dylan and he’s always claimed to have a low pain tolerance, but can actually handle quite a lot, from what I can tell. I did finally start to get what I was seeking, however.
“Ow… ow… ow… ow… ow… I’m sorry… I’m sorry! I’ll be good!”
So sweet, and he may have meant it, but I didn’t believe him yet and asked him to exchange the Quinn for the Kaylee. She’s HEAVY, but will sit in your grip with a nice balance if you keep your wrist firm. The key to a satisfying WHACK is making sure she lands flat. If you turn her sideways, you can cover the whole bottom half of a spankee’s cheek and the top of their thigh at the same time. Long, wide, and thick, she’s exactly as formidable as she looks.
“I like that,” he said after a minute or two. “It hurts, but I like it… glad I got the other one first.”
Kaylee works OTK, but I wanted to see what the difference would be if I had room to swing, so I had Dylan bend over the arm of the couch and ended part 1 of our session with 10 proper swats. THAT position inspired a potent reaction and I recommend it if your spankee likes it hard (or can handle it, at least).
After that, we hugged and I brought him across my lap again to rub lotion into his poor booty while we talked, happy that he seemed happy and had trusted me to punish him. It truly is a lovely feeling to give a spankee what they desire. Dylan Paine may be naughty, but he’s a good boy at heart.
The Spankening: Part 2 (*gulp!*)
After a brief break, my turn came next.
“Are you ready?” he asked, looking up at me from where he sat on his sofa.
“I guess so,” I replied, feeling the butterflies in my belly whirl and freak out. Eek!
“Hey, come here. It’s okay.”
He held his hand out and I took it, following as he sat me on his lap and spoke to me softly.
“Why am I spanking you?” he asked, holding me in his arms. “Have you misbehaved lately?”
“I dunno,” I lied, shrugging.
“Hmm… I don’t really think I need a reason. I think I’m gonna spank you because… I want to, and because… you need it.”
“I do need it.”
Truer words have never been spoken.
With that, I was soon over his lap. He smoothed out my skirt, then started with his hand. Fuck, such immediate bliss. Those first few swats brought me right into the headspace, reminding me of all the reasons I love it more than anything. I don’t have to explain why to any of y’all, of course. If you’re reading this, you’re probably a spanko. It just calms and centers me, burning off the fog of everyday concerns that don’t matter in the long run. It’s so pure. So natural. Intimate. Primal. Exciting. Affectionate. Cleansing. Intense. Special. When I’m there, I’m me, and my spanker becomes my world. You all get it, I know. I don’t have to tell you.
Dylan’s an extremely talented top. One of the best I’ve ever played with, honestly. At the party where we met last year, I watched him spank another girl after we’d been introduced and was hypnotized by the sight from across the room. Some people at kink events can get carried away or distracted when they have an audience, in my experience, but not him. He’s keyed in and connected, always paying attention. He takes his time and, like many switches, has an intuitive sense of all angles of the experience. He knows when to ease up, when to go harder, and never stops just because you’re whining about it.
“Okay, now I want to know,” he said, pausing to reach for Quinn after a stretch of smacks to my bare cheeks. “How have you been naughty lately? What have you done?”
“I’ve been procrastinating,” I admitted. As usual.
“On your writing?”
“You need a standing desk. Not gonna be able to sit after this.”
My memory’s a bit hazy from there on out due to all the yummy brain chemicals taking over, but the paddles were both very fun. Neither hurt as much as I’d anticipated because Dylan gave me a long warm-up, but Quinn was definitely more painful. Kaylee was just NICE. Heaven. Smooth like butter. She is everything a paddle should be and my new #1 favorite for sure.
“This one’s a bully,” he remarked, smirking and feeling the weight of her in his hand after he finished OTK and had me bend over a stool for more. That position was more challenging to deal with, as expected, but felt lovely all the same.
We then moved on to a few of his other implements, wound down when he got tired, and immersed ourselves in a succulent cuddle puddle.
“I really liked that,” I told him.
“Yeah? You like my spankings?”
“I do, very much.”
We laid in the dark in his bed and he was out like a light, snoozing beside me, but my mind stayed awake for a while. I felt his heart beat under my palm on his chest and marinated in that perfect space that only this thing we love can create, serene and grateful he and I were both born this way. Yin-yang magic.
(Then we woke up and spanked again in the morning for a bit, because why the fook wouldn’t ya, eh?)
I hadn’t originally planned to include this, but the coverage was so impressive that I couldn’t resist. Here’s the day-after photo:
I asked Dylan Paine for souvenirs. The man did not disappoint.
As you can see, my entire ass is swollen and bruised, along with the tops of my thighs. Look at those shapes and shades! Pretty fuckin’ rad, no?
I warned y’all this would be a gush fest and honestly couldn’t come up with a complaint if I tried. I have nothing but love for Hazel and Birch’s work and look forward to adding more of their gear to my collection in the future. Again, you can find them here on Etsy or reach out to Birch on FetLife. Do check them out and let me know if you end up enjoying their wares as much as Dylan and I have so far.
And hey, thanks for reading! I’m glad we could share in the joy of this tale for the sake of posterity. If you ever come to my house to hang though, you’d better behave, spankos. Y’all know what’s hiding in the depths of my dresser drawer, waiting to bruise more mischievous butts.