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  • Writer's pictureSweet Tea

Spanking Quietly: How to Have Fun Without Freaking Out the Neighbors

It’s a tits-out-for-the-birch kind of party. FOMO much?

Consensual spanking is a marvelous pastime, but if there’s one thing about it that’s a true pain in the ass, it’s the NOISE. We must plan for every session by evaluating whether non-consenting parties could potentially overhear our fantastic shenanigans—both the smacking itself and cries of the spankee. We love those sounds, but most people do not and in a worst-case scenario, outsiders might assume someone’s being abused and rightfully alert the fuzz. Real-world police are not likely to spank for naughty transgressions like the hot cops in my fantasies. They are far more likely to make us deal with things like fines and judges and juries and then throw us in the cold hard SLAMMER.

I don’t think you want that, dear reader. I don’t want it for you either. I lurv u.

SO, we must find means of neutralizing the noise issue when others are in the vicinity while we want to spank. Luckily, we kinky folk are blessed with a hefty sprinkling of creativity dust and have been passing around solutions to this problem since time immemorial. This post is all about how to get your spank on AND avoid getting arrested for being a nefarious public nuisance.

(A note that nice people don’t need to read: This information is for consenting adults who thoroughly enjoy such things. It is NOT a how-to guide for punishing or perturbing non-consenting parties. Use my website for good rather than evil or I will send neck-gnawing goblins to haunt your dreams for all eternity.)

Now then. There are several time-tested spanko strategies for dealing with pesky sexy noise. Let’s explore.

Choose quiet implements.

Hand spankings tend to be the unanimous favorite throughout the community, but the fact of the matter is that the sharp SMACK of skin on skin is likely to carry and reverberate. This is also the case with implements like paddles, straps, most hairbrushes, and belts.

Some implements, however, make far less noise and can be used in a pinch for spanking on the down-low. This includes toys like canes, birches, and switches. There’s also the loopy Johnny, which some fetishists claim can be used to administer...

~S I L E N T S P A N K I N G S~


I’ve never used one or had one used on me, but I’m a tad skeptical of such bold assertions. Still, it’s certainly worth a try if your goal is to reduce impact-related noise.

Spank over clothes.

Though you’re still likely to generate sound while swatting, you can dampen it by spanking over fabric. It’s less fun that way, I know. Bare-bottom encounters are more personal, effective, and satisfying to our spanko souls. Keep in mind, though, that for many of us, the experience of the fetish is largely psychological and spankings that are more symbolic in nature can still light up our brains and send sparks flying. If a guy I fancy even starts lightly patting over the seat of my pants? Oof! Fuhgeddaboudit. That’s LOVE.

Change locations.

If you want to play hard and spanking at home is impractical, you might consider taking the fun elsewhere. I once had a play partner who was worried about spookin’ the neighbors ask me to hop in his car. He filled a backpack with disciplinary gear, drove us to an empty mall parking lot, and doled out punishment in the back seat. (I was late arriving to his abode that evening… by like an hour. Oops.) Though we couldn’t fully indulge within the comfort of his home, our mission was accomplished and good times were had. It was exciting!

You might also enjoy an overnight stay at a local motel. Beavis and Butthead’s kinky principal certainly did until those little shits barged in to interrupt. Super rude.

You could also take a brisk hike to a secluded area together, or a quick trip to your trusty backyard woodshed if you have one. (What am I saying, of course you do. In your naughty spanko mind, at least.)

Make domestic renovations.

Some spankos go as far as soundproofing their bedroom or play space of choice. One couple I know even constructed an, ahem, ‘recording studio’ in their garage so they could bust out the rope and smack derrieres without waking the kids.

“So why’s your studio got a suspension point drilled into the ceiling, Mike?”


If that sounds like too much work, you can also put a towel on the floor to cover the gap under your door like you used to do while smoking pot at your mom’s house. You can also put on music or the TV and crank up the volume if it’s not too late to do so without waking up the neighborhood. Mozart? Death metal? Choose your own adventure. (Just no Coldplay, please. We don’t do that here.)

Silence your spankee.

Nothing you do to decrease impact noise will matter a lick if the spankee is wailing. Neighbors might hear the sound of spanks and think, “Huh, wonder what that is,” but the sound of crying is unmistakable and distressing. Some receivers are better than others at keeping their voices down. A dom’s demand to shush can also add a potent layer of eroticism to a session under the right circumstances.

“Shhh… I don’t want to hear a peep. Understand me, young lady?”

Phewwwww, yessir I do indeed.

Gags are an option for hushing spankees who can’t keep quiet. If you don’t have any lying around the house, you can have them bite down on a damp washcloth. I once had a dominatrix fill her bathtub and hold my head underwater to muffle the noise while she blistered my cheekies, but I don’t recommend this unless both of y’all are already experienced with water play. No drowning allowed and that’s final!

Keep in mind, some spankees do NOT enjoy being spanked if they can’t let loose while it’s happening. The panting, whimpering, and sobbing is a huge part of the experience for some folks who use spanking as a means of release. If your partner feels this way, it’s better to skip this step and find another strategy.

Make excuses.

If an alibi sounds easier, just go ahead and lie. Get ridiculous. The more outlandish, the better.

“Sorry in advance for any noise you hear today. Sheila and I are building a boat.”

“A boat, Jim, in that tiny apartment??”

“Yes, Bob, a boat.”

Who is Bob to doubt your solid-as-oak word? A damn fool, that’s who! Go nuts, Jim. Heat up Sheila’s hot-cross buns.

Elect for alternative punishments.

Only a spanking can be a spanking. If slapping butts is off the table, however, other disciplinary methods can be used to get the job done temporarily. Traditional spanko rituals like writing lines, corner time, and mouth soaping can all be silent ways to teach a sassy brat who’s boss.

There’s also a slew of ass-focused punishments that are uncomfortable or painful but don’t involve impact. Some doms have reported slathering their sub’s booty cheeks with substances like IcyHot or capsaicin cream to mimic the post-spanking burn. (I’ve never personally tried this, but an experienced acquaintance recommended keeping this stuff away from genitalia as it can be harsh on delicate bits.) There are also anal insertables like plugs, enemas, thermometers, and carved raw ginger if figging appeals to you. You might also have your spankee sit their bare booty on something rough like an acupressure mat or a layer of uncooked rice or beans. Itchy!! As is the case with any sort of pain play, the person on the receiving end may still end up making noise. At the end of the day, if they’re the vocal type, whining and whimpering may be unavoidable.

Negotiation is obviously always required, so don’t assume any of what I’m mentioning will fly during a session without a prior convo. Some receivers will reject every single one of those alternatives and genuinely just want to stick with spanking itself. Can ya blame ‘em? I sure wouldn’t. They’re spankos!

I hope this post helps you carry out your dastardly deeds on the sly. And if not then, well, you never know... the neighbors might actually be cool with it. I wrote a filthy novella about such an occurrence and you can read it here. Go, I say, and slurp up my salacious smut!

Smoochy smoochy, pervies.



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