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  • Writer's pictureSweet Tea

Spanking Is SEX and Vanilla People Are WEIRD

My play partner Dylan informed me that the FX show Archer with the funny cartoon people frequently mentions or portrays our favorite thing.

Oh my god.

I was not aware of this.

He’s correct, of course. Every spanko knows what it’s like to see or hear of an onscreen spanking in the presence of vanilla people. I remember one—ONE—friend giggling and making a big deal about it while I died of embarrassment when I was in high school, but the vast majority never seem to bat an eye.

I don’t understand this. I will NEVER understand it. In my fetish-wired mind, spanking is sex. It’s even more sex than sex is. Nothing could ever be filthier, more scandalous, or more transgressive than watching someone get their BARE BOTTOM SPANKED red over someone’s lap as PUNISHMENT for NAUGHTINESS. Nothing, ever, at all. It’s UNBELIEVABLE to me that the whole thing even exists in the first place.

Put on a porny film chock full of slippery penises flying around and my brain will think, “Ah. Some humans squishing their bits together. Hope they’re having a lovely time.”

And I mean it too. I love sex. It’s fun and, at times, unspeakably intimate. Watching a man frown, squeeze his eyes shut, and commune with the gods while I swallow his cum makes me feel like a million-billion-trillion dollars.

But spanking. Now that’s a flying penis of a different color. (Or a horse of a different flying penis. Not sure which.)

Just the word itself.


“The tip of the tongue taking a trip…”

I hear it and high-alert mode is activated. Every inch of my skin abruptly begins to tingle. My clit starts tapping me on the shoulder. “I’m awake. You should do something about it.” The very concept itself is a love story between me and my imagination, for the fetish has been there always, reflecting itself onto different people and scenarios. It’s romantic and magical and charged with the deepest level of emotion. The spirit of the act, buried at the center of the earth in its molten core, the essence of lovemaking between two naked, vulnerable souls—it is pure. Enchanted. DIVINE.

I needn't put this into words for you, spankos. You understand it well.

Is this how vanilla people feel about fucking?


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