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  • Writer's pictureSweet Tea

Spanked by an Octopus

Today a fellow spankee friend of mine brought up an important issue the mainstream liberal media has wholly ignored:

Can you imagine being spanked by an octopus? They’ve got 8 whippy smacky arms, but their tentacle suckers would get stuck to your butt cheeks on impact. They’d have to yank them off with a loud POP POP POP! between swats. You’d have a slew of circular marks all over your bare rear-end rather than handprints or the pretty tiger stripes of a cane. EVERYONE who saw your booty would KNOW you’d been spanked by an octopus. There is no mistaking those results. You'd come out looking like a punished pink leopard, humiliated and confused.

You may shrug this threat off as rhetorical, but the disciplinary treachery of the Cephalopoda class runs deep. An enraged six-tentacled suckerless octopus (hexopus?) once transformed into a spanking wheel in a “close to unwatchable” 1932 documentary, as one brave whistleblower has written about here.

This phenomenon has also been portrayed in a contemporary digital piece by artist Arvvi entitled Fat Octopus Spanks Little Dog on Table.

Legendary graphic designer ‘Insert Username Here’ has also graced the universe with their own unique depiction of this terrifying historical event.

The horror.

This is not just overblown internet hearsay, dear reader. I have a personal friend who has witnessed a live octo-spank attack with his own two eyes. Thank you, Johnny_75, for illustrating this heinous crime in order to alert the masses despite all attempts by those in power who seek to suppress the truth. 'Sea Surprise' INDEED! We must never let them silence us.

Hence friends, it is crystal clear, as the research shows, that stern octopi have spanked unsuspecting victims of every species since the beginning of time, at sea AND on land, and they will damn well strike again. Heed this warning and watch your buns, even in the supposed "safety" of your own kitchen. It could happen to you.

Stay woke, spankos.



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