So here we are, spankos. We may as well acknowledge reality together:
Our world is fucked up and things seem to be getting worse as history unfolds before our horrified eyes. I don’t have to list the reasons for you. You live here! You know! We can soothe ourselves with research claiming this is the most peaceful time in history, but that does little to mask the fact that things are… lol… not great. We are destroying our planet and each other.
Personally, I’m hoping for an *exciting* apocalypse. Fingers crossed for Godzilla. An alien invasion. A spontaneous black hole opening up and swallowing our sun flame by flame. Zombies. Dinosaurs. Anything other than destroying ourselves through our own impotent fear, greed, and rage. Jesus, what a limp-ass ending to the movie that’ll be. We’ll all be asking for our money back from God.
One thing is for certain, though. If Heaven is a real place, none of us are going there. We forfeited our chance in exchange for all this kinky fun we’re having. We’re going to The Bad Place with all the other perverts. Therefore, I’d like to be the first to cordially invite you to,
~My Spanking Party in Hell~
See, if I invite you to mine first, you can’t say you didn’t hear about it and go to someone else’s that night instead. You don’t have to come, obviously. I won’t be mad if you don’t. I’ll just be like your mom. “Disappointed.”
I promise, it’ll be a rager. Perks include:
Freedom to spank in public. (Anyone in hell with us has definitely seen worse.)
Permission to scream bloody murder and wake up the whole block. (They’re into that shit.)
Weapons of torture readily available. (Homes in hell come furnished with them, I hear.)
Shows by all the bands you never got to see live. (Nirvana!!)
Excessive amounts of SNACKS. (Gluttony is expected of you. Be a good guest.)
My personal blessing to trash the whole place. (If we fuck it up enough, the Devil himself might paddle my bare buns.)
It'll be kinda like this, but better.
Or this, but better.
Maybe even better than this. Birches and weird shit everywhere!
I do have to say, planning this shindig has been a bitch so far 'cause I’m agnostic and didn’t pay attention in god class. However, I just asked Google, “what’s it like in hell?” and the algorithmic overlords pointed me to christianity.com. They indicate in their informative listicle that we should all expect the following:
Hm. Not ideal. We’re experts though. We can spank in the dark.
2. Gnashing of Teeth
We’re used to that already, no? I’ve grit my teeth plenty while over a knee.
Feels like fire after a few licks of a belt anyway. No biggie.
4. Separation from God
God denied us access to his lame party first. He and the nerds are not invited to mine...
...except the nuns. They can come.
There’s a bunch of other stuff on this website about weeping, biting, pain, and punishment. We’ll fit right in, honestly. Sounds like the staff down there are chill.
Anyway, once your immortal soul has realized we’re all dead and you’ve gotten over the shock, head over to my horny hell house and we’ll spank until they try to stop us for having too much fun. (Joke’s on them. Life ain’t eternal, but a spanking fetish is.)
Also, BYOB/D, generally speaking. Sex is allowed in the champagne room, but ffs,
Cokeheads don’t belong in hell anyway. Their place is in purgatory, where they can chat shit and do more coke and chat shit and do more coke and chat shit and do more coke and chat shit and do more coke and chat shit and do more coke and chat shit and do more coke and chat shit and do more coke and chat shit and do more coke and chat shit and do more coke and chat shit and do more coke and chat shit and do more coke and chat shit and do more coke and chat shit and do more coke and chat shit and do more coke and chat shit and do more coke and chat shit and do more coke and chat shit and do more coke until the end of time.
See you in hell, spankos. xo