15 Fucktastic Gift Ideas for the Spanko in Your Life
Don’t you just love these cheesy articles that pop up every holiday season, telling you to buy shit? Me neither! But I’m writing one anyway because we spankos are playful, divine beings and deserve to celebrate each other with fabulous, fucktastic gifts. ‘Tis the reason for the season, on this day and all days!
Consensual spanking is love. If you or someone you adore lights up during a bit (or a BUNCH) of booty smackage, consider bonding via these 15 benevolent offerings.
1. Traditional domestic implements
Want to get straight to the core of a spanko purist’s heart? Gift them with implements that have that old-fashioned domestic feel. I’m talking wooden spoons, spatulas, hair brushes, bath brushes, belts, slippers, and the like.
These might seem like dull household items to some, but we spankos love them because we can strategically place them all over the house, right out in the open in front of god and everyone, and our vanilla guests will be none the wiser. They also have that cozy home vibe so many of us relish when we play.
Misbehave in my bathroom and your bottom will be sorry.
For a full list of implement ideas, peep this post from days gone by. The ones at the end are nice and weird. (You can thank my FetLife friends for that. I’d never have told you to spank with a rubber chicken, but hey you’ll try anything once, right?)
2. BDSMy implements
Explicitly kinky toys tend to attract attention when left out in the open. That doesn’t make them any less magnificent, however. Paddles are my personal favorite. You might also look into whips, canes, crops, straps, floggers, birches, evil sticks, etc. High-quality BDSM goodies are made to be sturdy, and effective.
You can buy these sorts of implements from eight million places, but I’m giving a special shoutout to HazelAndBirchDesign. This Etsy shop is run by a couple of Tennessee-based spankos with a love for pretty colors, fine craftsmanship, and hilarious copywriting. I wrote a review of two of their paddles earlier this year and you can check it out here, if you’re curious.
Five of my recent collection additions were custom made at their shop and I could not love them more than I do.
MAGICAL HOLIDAY OFFER FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY:
Buy from Hazel and Birch through December 18th, 2021 and enter the coupon code SWEETTEN at Etsy’s checkout page for a sweet 10% discount! Go on! Do it meow! You will not regret this choice!
Another popular seller you might look into is CANE-IAC. I’ve never bought from them, but they offer all kinds of impact toys, restraints, and rope. They even sell birch bundles! My spanko friends all seem to love their stuff, so have a gander.
3. Artsy implements
A good amount of spanko swag is created for form rather than function. Pieces like these can maybe be used as weapons, but are mainly meant to be aesthetically pleasing. CaliflysKinkyCrafts’ Etsy shop offers, for instance, a variety of gorgeous resin paddles forged with glitter, flowers, and other ethereal materials.
I wouldn’t use this to give a sincere spanking, but I’d be thrilled to hang it in my boudoir.
This 1955 ‘fanny paddle’ (eek!/lol) is another example of an artsy implement likely to tickle a spanko’s fancy. Imagine finding that hanging in your lover’s home after a date! I would die of embarrassment and promptly crawl over his lap because I’m subtle like that.
4. Sexy spanko clothes
The right outfit can do wonders for the vibe of a smackalicious session. If the spanko in your life is into roleplay, you might gift them with an entirely-too-short schoolgirl skirt, for example.
This tends to get me the type of attention I’m seeking when play partners come a-calling.
Wait, are my panties showing?? Whoopsie daisy!
Or consider some DROP-SEAT PAJAMAS. Squeeee, they’re so fucking cute and perfect for our purposes! You might have trouble finding a pair because they’re fairly rare in adult sizes, but this UK shop sells at least one design in their ‘romper’ section. Perhaps they have more. (I’m always seeking recommendations on where to find these. If you have any, hit me up!)
Additionally, you could go for a pair of traditional white bloomers or some lacy lingerie. If you’re weird like me, you might also find some drab loose-fitting sweatpants particularly arousing.
“Don’t mind me, just being lazy in my sweats like a Sunday-morning couch potato. What, get up and go to church to repent for my sins? BUT I DON’T WANNA, DADDY! Wait, don’t pull those down. No no, NO!!”
All too easy.
Is your spanko a big reader? Why not whet their kinky appetite with some delicious erotica? Well-written fiction is likely to put them in the mood and then, poor you, you’ll be forced to stay home and indulge their demands.
I’m entirely biased, but I think my spanking stories are pretty fookin’ hot, so hit up my Amazon page and peruse my offerings, why doncha?
My timeless Christmas tale is one of my personal favorites.
And if you don’t wanna gimme yer money, no worries. I have some short freebies on this very website for all to enjoy. Go read them!
6. Visual art
As a massive fan of spanking art, I encourage you to consider some visual stimulation as you shop. Why, with a few exploratory hops through the interwebs, I found a sexy BDSM tapestry and a spanko Bugs Bunny LSD blotter sheet and a wall hanging of Vladamir Putin giving Boris Johnson some OTK attention. What will Google serve up in response to your inquiries, I wonder?
For a more personalized experience, you could even commission a custom art piece from one of the many talented spanking artists of the kinky realm. Describe your favorite fantasy and have it brought to life to experience pure joy! People like Mister Morris and Birdfish might be able to help you out if they have slots left this season. Go say hi and make your spanko’s dreams come true.
“Why the heckfire would anyone pay for pornography in this day in age, T? That’s silly.”
Au contraire, you nifty thrifties. Some of the best full-length spanking porn out there must be paid for with real dubloons, but I doubt you’d be disappointed with your purchase. My #1 favorite porny couple from Disciplined Domestically offers premium content on OnlyFans and I’m not sure how much longer I can hold out because their romance bolsters my faith in humanity. Spanko legend Michael Masterson, who sells vids on clips4sale, also creates work that’s well worth the investment, in my humble opinion, if you dig authentic discipline vibes. There are MANY other options to choose from, as I’m sure you’re aware, so go ham.
“No Netflix tonight, baby. We’re gonna snuggle up and watch some long, hard, bare-bottom spankings together. Merry Christmas.”
Phuuuuck. The only appropriate responses are “YES” and “THANK YOU” and “MARRY ME.”
8. Lotion, aloe, etc.
Perhaps the spanko in your life would desire some assistance with soothing their booty. Lotion and other moisturizing substances can alleviate soreness and keep spanked skin from chapping. A gentle massage of the cheekz is also a sweet addition to any aftercare routine. I am not a lotion specialist, so I won’t bullshit you with vapid recommendations, but CeraVe is a great brand for people like me who have sensitive skin.
I’ve heard many kinky folks recommend witch hazel oil if you’re looking for products that help bruises heal more quickly, so that’s a thing too. It wouldn’t be at the top of my personal wish list though. In this house, bruises are spanko jewelry forged from wisps of cherished memories. If only they lasted longer!
9. Strappy furniture
Is your spankee a big ol’ squirmer? Gosh, that’s SUPER annoying. You should buy them a spanking bench, strap them down, and help them kick that horrible habit for good. They will learn to hold still and take their punishment like a champ rather than making your life more difficult when you’re already doing them a favor. There are also stockades, St. Andrews crosses, and other evil home furnishings to choose from.
I don’t own any legit spanking furniture, but I’d imagine none of it comes cheap. You’d probably have to splurge a bit and make sure the spanko you’re buying for has plenty of space to store it in their home.
“I love it! You shouldn’t have! But where exactly is it uhhhhhhh supposed to go??”
Don’t want that, so do thy homework.
10. A woodshed
Hey, you motherfucking lumberjack, how ‘bout you take your fine ass outside and build your spanko a woodshed in the backyard whilst you glisten in the sun with sweat beading on your chest? It’ll be the perfect spot to store their fancy new spanking bench!
Like that^, but wear a Santa hat.
“Um, money doesn’t grow on trees, T, and I can’t build for shit.”
Not with THAT attitude you can’t. My spoiled ass doesn’t want to hear excuses, honestly. Go make a spooky outdoor structure you can drag your spanko to by the arm for a properly terrifying thrashing when they’re being sassy. Chop chop, bro! Christmas is nigh!
11. A spanking machine
I haven’t tried one of these yet, but I’ve fantasized about them PLENTY. The idea of having my dom sit back and watch while some soulless machine does his dirty work does things to my loins. A spanking machine could also be fun for kinky parties or ‘masturbation’ purposes, I’d imagine.
Like spanking furniture, spanking machines can be pricey and take up space, so shop around to find the right model for your situation. I’ve also found that many spankos detest the idea of such an impersonal encounter. Make sure the person you’re buying for would actually find this idea hot in the first place.
12. Assistance with the NOISE
We spankos simply MUST be able to swat without fear! If the loved one you’re shopping for has nearby neighbors, lives with family members, or needs to mask the sound of smacky-smacky for some other reason, anything you can do to help will likely be appreciated.
You have many options here. Some implements make less noise than others, so you could gift your spanko with a rattan cane, evil stick, carpet beater, or loopy Johnny rather than belts, paddles, etc.
You could also buy them a handful of CDs featuring the most hardcore techno in the universe, if they want to feel like they’re spanking the demons out of their partner at a warehouse rave in Berlin. (I recommend SNTS, though he is not for the faint of heart and will make the neighbors hate-a you.)
Or, buy your spanko a subscription to a few 24/7 sports channels so the sound of constant football emanates from their room. Hey, the game was on! It was gripping and suspenseful! Plenty of cause for claps and yelps! Go team!
Or, hire your spanko a gardener with one of those really loud leaf-blowy things that go MERRRRRRRRRRR! The kind that piss us all off when we’re trying to sleep in on Saturday mornings. Fockers.
Or, buy a massive plot of land next to your spanko’s house and initiate a 5-year construction plan. Loud banging from 9-5 every day until your castle is complete. The sounds that come with pinkening butts will pale in comparison.
What, too much?
13. A session with a pro
If I had a mischievous and/or forgetful spanko husband, I’d make sure to line up a professional disciplinarian that I could drag him to whenever he was extra bad.
“I’ve already paddled you six times this month for leaving the toilet seat up. If it happens again, young man, we’re going to see HER.”
Professional spankers ain’t cheap, but tend to be rather scary. Some are willing to cater to all sorts of fun fantasies involving roleplay, costumes, and rare weapons. If the spanko in your life is especially adventurous, consider gifting them with a couple hours over the lap of a specialist.
14. A spank-focused getaway
A spank-cation, if you will! Even if your spanko digs a domestic atmosphere, occasional play sessions that happen away from home can feel extra spicy. Book an AirBnb cabin in the woods, throw all your toys in a suitcase, and awaken the outdoors together with the stark sounds of your lovemaking.
If you can’t set aside multiple days off, surprise them instead with a shorter play session at a creative location. If you’re a boss at an office, for instance, stick around one evening after everyone’s gone home for the day. Tell your spanko to meet you there before dinner, bend them over your majestic desk, and show them what happens to slackers who turn in shoddy TPS reports.
Gonna have to ask you to come in on Saturday too.
You could also challenge them to complete my Spanko Scavenger Hunt. Whoever finishes first wins. (Absolutely NO CHEATING. We all know what happens to shifty cheaters.)
15. A tender, caring, pleasurable SPANKING
I have saved the best for last, but DUH, it’s the most obvious choice.
Keep It Simple, Spanko!
A great spanking from a trusted pal is free of charge, readily available, spiritually cleansing, emotionally intimate, and straight from the heart. Whether your spanko prefers discipline, stress relief, sensual spankings, or some other vibe while they’re over a knee, delivering this magic in exactly the way they desire is a priceless gift that could never be replaced. It’s the gift that keeps on giving and we spankos must take full advantage of it because life is short and we are here to enjoy. So open your presents, have a mimosa, turn on the Yule Log channel, and show the spanko in your life how very much you adore them.
SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK…
Of course, this is all assuming your spanko has been good this year. If they’ve been NAUGHTY, I recommend a lump of coal in their stocking and an hour standing in a boring corner somewhere. Return to this post next year after they’ve learned to behave themselves. Wash, rinse, spank, repeat.
Happy holidays to youuuuu and your loved ones tooooo!